Multigenerational Round-up 1.20.12

Posted on January 20, 2012 by | Leave a comment

Multigenerational Stuff I’m Lovin’ This Week (…or shaking my head at):

Granny Is My Wingman

This granddaughter and grandmother duo are full of sass, real talk, and living life to the fullest.  Kaylee and Gayle chronicle their internet dating adventures on their blog, grannyismywingman. So much I want to say about how internet dating goes down in our multigenerational household – but I don’t want to sleep with one eye open. I’ll stick to reading Kaylee’s blog.

Family Matters: Multigenerational Families in a Volatile Economy

Generations United has put together an amazing report called: Family Matters: Multigenerational Families in a Volatile Economy. The report outlines the factors that contribute to families selecting or being forced to build a multigenerational household.

The statistics paint a picture of societal factors that are often overlooked. The resources, provided in the report, are highly beneficial and easily accessible. Do not become overwhelmed by the size of this report. Take a look at it in small chunks – because the information is a must read.

Rob

Well, this I gave this TV show one glance – and now I am going to pass. A few things I will mention are marrying another person and springing it on the in-laws is tricky, terrifying, and will certainly cause a raucous. I mean, think about all the planned marriages – that still fall into the “family drama” territory.

I wish the acting wasn’t so over-the-top, and I also wish they would show the complexities of being a multigenerational family and offer realistic solutions that will still have us laughing. I mean – over in this full nest – laughter is a must have on a daily basis!

Happy Birthday to the Frist Lady, Michelle Obama!

I completely adore the relationship Mrs. Obama and her mother, Mrs. Robinson, have in regards to their multigenerational family. Mrs. Robinson reminds me of my mother-in-law when she says, “The main thing that I think needs to be taught to children is the ability to think and make decisions,… You don’t have to have a lot of information, but you have to know how to get through the process. If you make mistakes you don’t just decide ‘I will never do that again. ”

As my mother-in-law and I are trying to up the healthy eating factor in our multigenerational home, I echo Mrs. Obama’s thoughts on a healthy lifestyle that’s still fun and human.  Mrs. Obama says, “I love burgers and fries, you know? And I love ice cream and cake. So do most kids,” the first lady said. “We’re not talking about a lifestyle that excludes all that. That’s the fun of being a kid. That’s the fun of being a human.”

Homes Built for Multi-Generational Families

Mo Rocca’s report on housing for multigenerational families was fantastic. The one “problem” I had is Mo didn’t interview my family. Anyway…I loved the mom/grandma, Linda, in the report. I enjoyed her spunk and love of kicking it to casinos to her girlfriends.

Home builders’ response to more multigenerational families having a need to keep the core family’s lifestyle intact – with the addition of an extended family member moving in – is a critical point in making a successful transition to a multigenerational household.

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Multigenerational this and that…

Posted on January 19, 2012 by | Leave a comment

Hey IAFN readers,

I’m back.

I went on a bit of a creative hiatus and it’s been WONDERFUL. I decided to write an eBook called Nurturing the Change Cycle: 10 Ways to Build Positive In-law Relationships. Yup, I’ve been busy writing and creating. I really didn’t plan to start 2012 off writing a book because I wanted to de-clutter my house, get my home office organized, drink green smoothies…and a host of other productive things.

The book idea came about because a bunch of friends and family members leaned on me (positively) and said, “What are you waiting for?” I did not have a good or viable response as to why I should NOT write the book…so I got busy.

The plan is for the book to be finished and ready for eager eyes and minds – by mid-February (fingers crossed). I’m excited, nervous, and getting my act together.

And…before I plow ahead in talking about 2012 – I did want to say a bit more to wrap up 2011 and how it was for me and our multigenerational family.

Accomplishments

We were all happier and busier in 2011. Everyone become a year older and possibly about 5 years wiser. Our grooves were more in-tune and when they weren’t – we stepped aside and gave the family member the time and space they needed…without bitching about it.

More people are checking out IAFN and we’ve gotten a wonderful response. (Thank you!) We love connecting with other multigenerational families. Hubby and my mother-in-law contributed some posts to IAFN and that made me ecstatic…they don’t always want to do it. I don’t force them (that much) – and I really think their perspective and experience paint a wholistic picture of who we are and how we operate as a multigenerational family.

Lessons Learned

Here are my top five:

  • I will never have a deep relationship with my father-in-law – like I do with my mother-in-law…and that’s OK.
  • Other people will always ask me, “Do you like her?” in reference to my mother-in-law. I have finally learned to say, “Ask a better and less loaded question.”
  • Me mentioning “senior” events to my mother-in-law gets on her nerves. Done doing that.
  • Even though my mother-in-law is an amazing artist, she has no interest in setting up an Etsy shop – and I cannot be annoyed with her about this. Done doing that, too.
  • Playing Jeopardy with my multigenerational family will always be a challenge (answer in the form of a question, people!) – and I should get over it – and just enjoy the moment.

Gratitude

Even though our house can seem tight and cramped, I am grateful that we are all together. I’m grateful my kids enjoy spending time with their grandmother. I’m grateful that one of us will mention a project and we all jump in to do it. I’m grateful my son’s food allergies are getting better and that is highly influenced by my mother-in-law supporting his avoidance diet. I am grateful that I’m not expected to wear a super mom cape around – all the time – because I have quality help and loving support – in my multigenerational home.

What’s Next for 2012

Well, I already mentioned the book…

We will celebrate our 5th anniversary as a multigenerational family.

My mother-in-law and I will hold each other up and try not to fall apart, too much, when my youngest child (her youngest grandchild) starts kindergarten in August.

I’m sure I’ll be writing about another sex education incident – since my oldest child is taking health this semester (I told my mother-in-law to be ready!).

We will celebrate the marriage of hubby’s cousin (my mother-in-law’s niece). She was our flower girl – and now our son will be her ring bearer.

Hubby and I will celebrate our 14th wedding anniversary – which means I’ll be toasting the anniversary of my mother-in-law becoming my mother-in-law.

What next for you  - in 2012?

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Learning from my mother-in-law

Posted on December 22, 2011 by | Leave a comment

My mother-in-law has been reading a lot of poetry lately. She has been sharing her old favorites and new favorites with us.  It’s fun to watch her read her favorite parts and observe the various emotions she displays as she read the poems.

Here’s a recent re-discovery.

Wordle: DorothyParker

The Little Old Lady in Lavender Silk

by Dorothy Parker

I was seventy-seven, come August,

I shall shortly be losing my bloom;

I’ve experienced zephyr and raw gust

and (symbolical) flood and simoom.

 

When you come to this time of abatement,

To this passing from Summer to Fall,

It is manners to issue a statement

As to what you got out of it all.

 

So I’ll say, though reflection unnerves me

And pronouncements I dodge as I can,

That I think (if my memory serves me)

There was nothing more fun than a man!

 

In my youth, when the crescent was too wan

To embarrass with beams from above,

By the aid of some local Don Juan

I fell into the habit of love.

 

And I learned how to kiss and be merry-
an

Education left better unsung.

My neglect of the waters Pierian

Was a scandal, when Grandma was young.

 

Though the shabby unbalanced the splendid,

And the bitter outmeasured the sweet,

I should certainly do as I then did,

Were I given the chance to repeat.

 

For contrition is hollow and wraithful,

And regret is no part of my plan,

And I think (if my memory’s faithful)

There was nothing more fun than a man.

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Happier YOU Holiday Wheel

Posted on December 20, 2011 by | Leave a comment
  • Worried about spending time with specific relatives this holiday season?
  • Wondering when someone is going to rub you the wrong way?
  • Thinking about self-medicating (e.g. over boozing, overeating, etc.) to cope?
  • Plotting ways to skip out on the family interactions?

Don’t. 

Try the “Happier YOU Holiday Wheel”, instead.

Bypass having a negative experience when certain loved ones try to skunk your holiday groove – spin the wheel.

Turn the negative experience into something fun, rockin’, wacky, and marvelous. After all, you are only responsible for your own behavior and you cannot change the behavior of your relatives.

wooden_spoon

Spin the wheel by yourself or have a friend or loved one, who is dreading negative holiday interactions, spin the wheel with you.

If you complete all 8 tasks/activities, on spin the wheel, reward yourself!

Use the premade Holiday Wheel or create your own.

You may also want to checkout Martha Beck’s Dysfunctional Family BINGO.

Let me know how it goes.

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37 things you want to ask your in-laws, but can’t… (or won’t)

Posted on December 19, 2011 by | Leave a comment

Hey! Busy time of year – so thanks for stopping back to read.

Spending the past weekend with my mother-in-law and father-in-law has been fun, wacky, energizing, energy sapping, and sweet.

Yes, it was all over the place.

I did a lot of journaling and I came up with a list of questions I wanted to ask – but won’t – because some of the answers are not my business (even though I’m nosey and curious as hell!).

The other reasons I won’t ask are because some of the information/responses would be trivial, it won’t improve our relationship, it won’t right the past, and it won’t move us to the next productive phase in our relationship.

Even though I’m clear on this right now – I can’t say temptation and curiosity won’t get the best of me (especially after some super festive eggnog).

Put in the right mood,  I just might engage my in-laws (separately) with some of these questions.

Below is my list of questions – intermingled with some questions from my curious friends and colleagues – that I would want to pose to my in-laws.

  1. Which grandkids do you like the best?
  2. Why do you refuse to get a mammogram?
  3. Why won’t you use lotion?
  4. Why do you wear that fugly Christmas sweater every year?
  5. Why don’t you pick up your feet when you walk?
  6. Why didn’t you teach your son how to clean up? I’m not his maid!
  7. Why are you all up in our business?
  8. Why do you compete with me?
  9. Why do you compete with the other grandmother/grandfather (my parents)?
  10. Why did you abandon your child – not once -but twice?
  11. Why are you a hoarder?
  12. Why do you refuse the help I offer to you?
  13. Why do you talk to my wife/husband like he/she is a small child?
  14. Did you ever discuss, with “any” of your offspring, the need for moral values or good character?
  15. Why didn’t you talk to your son/daughter about the birds and the bees?
  16. Why do you act like your shit doesn’t stink?
  17. Why do you show up at my house uninvited?
  18. Why do you like me?
  19. Why do you shut down when I’m trying to have a serious conversation to you?
  20. Do you love me for me or just love me because your son/daughter loves me?
  21. Why are you in denial? Yes, I have sex with your son/daughter – we’re married!
  22. Why do you think you’re the boss of my family?
  23. Why won’t you use your cane/walker when you know you need it?
  24. Am I the only one who sees how manipulative my brother-in-law/sister-in-law is?
  25. Why are you stuck in the past? Join us in the present!
  26. Why are you trying to impress me? Just be yourself.
  27. Why do you pretend you were an involved parent when your son/daughter was growing up?
  28. Why do you feel the need to monitor and point out my weight gain?
  29. Why do you continue to fight your son’s/daughter’s battles?
  30. How do you really feel about your son/daughter marrying an American?
  31. Did you ever smoke marijuana? If so, how about having some now.
  32. Why are you in denial about the strained relationship between (a) you and me (b) your son/daughter and you?
  33. How do you feel about your son/daughter being in an interracial marriage?
  34. Why do you eat so loudly?
  35. Why do you openly compare me to your son’s/daughter’s first wife/husband?
  36. Why do you keep pictures up of your son’s/daughter’s first wife/husband (ex-girlfriend/ex-boyfriend)?
  37. Why are you so mean and cranky?
  38. Why has made you stay married? (added 12.19.11 at 10:32 pm)

What questions would you add to this list?

 

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18 quotes that capture the ups and downs of multigenerational living

Posted on December 9, 2011 by | Leave a comment

In every conceivable manner, the family is link to our past, bridge to our future. -Alex Haley

Nobody has ever before asked the nuclear family to live all by itself in a box the way we do. With no relatives, no support, we’ve put it in an impossible situation. -Margaret Mead

Any problem, big or small, within a family, always seems to start with bad communication. Someone isn’t listening. -Emma Thompson

The family is one of nature’s masterpieces. -George Santayana

All happy families resemble one another, each unhappy family is unhappy in its own way. -Leo Tolstoy

Like all the best families, we have our share of eccentricities, of impetuous and wayward youngsters and of family disagreements. -Elizabeth II

Family life is full of major and minor crises — the ups and downs of health, success and failure in career, marriage, and divorce — and all kinds of characters. It is tied to places and events and histories. With all of these felt details, life etches itself into memory and personality. It’s difficult to imagine anything more nourishing to the soul. -Thomas Moore

You hear a lot of dialogue on the death of the American family. Families aren’t dying. They’re merging into big conglomerates. -Erma Bombeck

Raising children is an incredibly hard and risky business in which no cumulative wisdom is gained: each generation repeats the mistakes the previous one made. -Bill Cosby

To put the world right in order, we must first put the nation in order; to put the nation in order, we must first put the family in order; to put the family in order, we must first cultivate our personal life; we must first set our hearts right. -Confucius

The attempt to redefine the family as a purely voluntary arrangement grows out of the modern delusion that people can keep all their options open all the time. -Christopher Lasch

I love people. I love my family, my children . . . but inside myself is a place where I live all alone and that’s where you renew your springs that never dry up. -Pearl S. Buck

Education is simply the soul of a society as it passes from one generation to another. -Gilbert K. Chesterton

Each age, it is found, must write its own books; or rather, each generation for the next succeeding. -Ralph Waldo Emerson

Don’t hold your parents up to contempt. After all, you are their son, and it is just possible that you may take after them. -Evelyn Waugh

Call it a clan, call it a network, call it a tribe, call it a family:
Whatever you call it, whoever you are, you need one. -Jane Howard

Every generation laughs at the old fashions, but follows religiously the new. -Henry David Thoreau

Love your multigenerational family members for who they are, not who you want them to be. –Kanesha Baynard

 

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