Category Archives: Tools

5 Ways to Improve In-law Relationships

Posted on February 9, 2012 by Kanesha | 1 Comment

I have been working with two clients who are struggling with in-law relationships.

Client A is stressed and sad that her future daughter-in-law will not let her (Client A) help with the wedding plans.

Client B is angry and defensive because her mother-in-law questions everything Client B does with her 6-month-old baby.

One thing I have been emphasizing with both clients is, “What is your role in the interactions?”

It’s hard for many of us to remember we only have control over ourselves and control over how we react to situations. We cannot change others, and the level of our influence on others is not a stable indicator of shifting things to go “your way”.

Even when a relationship, exchange, or situation is complicated, we have the power and control to shift our energy and move forward.

I provided the following reminders, for my clients, to keep at the top of their minds, when they are interacting with their in-law relatives:

Relationships take a lot of work

Cultivating a positive and thriving relationship with in-law relatives does not happen overnight. You have to be willing to put yourself out there and model constructive interactions. You will sometimes have to step outside your comfort zone and express your feelings or emotions to your in-law relative, knowing their response could be welcoming or unwelcoming. This is the case of you get out what you put in.

Change is scary – and may cause tantrums

Entering into a family or having a new family member join is a major change. An in-law relative may not realize it, but he/she may be grieving a loss – loss of how things “used to be” – and not directly dealing with it. The change may prompt him/her to throw a tantrum – which comes out in the form for being withdrawn, judgmental, or possessive.

One way to approach this is to acknowledge the joys and challenges of change. You can express what brings you joy in joining your in-laws, welcoming a new baby, planning a family event, etc. – and you can also express where you are feeling uneasy. In being clear with your own voice and feelings, it gives in-laws a chance to learn about you and understand your commitment to the in-law relationship or situation. This also lessens the fear of the unknown – which is a large characteristic of change.

Don’t take the bait

If an in-law relative is good at pushing your buttons – take a look within and figure out why this is a trigger for you. Are you holding on to limiting beliefs about yourself that make you defensive, hurt, or reactive? If so, explore this.

As I mentioned, you are in control of how you react to situations. If you work through your limiting beliefs and release yourself from any thought dungeons – your in-law’s bait with have no effect on you.

Take a step back

If you are interacting with your in-law relative and things seem to be going down a dark road, take a break. You cannot do the important work of having open communication when you are feeling stressed, defensive, or angry.

Step back from the situation, refuel, and try again.

Practice forgiveness

It’s not uncommon for flair ups to take place between in-law relatives. Sometimes in-laws can show us their best, and often the worst can be displayed as well. Do not hold on to resentment because it takes up too much space and energy. Resentment does not serve anyone – so let it go. Practice forgiveness so you can release any hurt or pain.

You may not forget the incident or interaction, but forgiveness allows you to heal so that you are open to working on the in-law relationship – and moving forward in your living your best life.

→ 1 Comment

Posted in Multigenerational living and life, Tools

Tagged forgiveness, in-law interactions, navigating change, open communication, taking the bait

Intimacy in the Multligenerational Home

Posted on February 6, 2012 by Kanesha | Leave a comment

I had a 45 minute break between coaching clients and decided to turn on the TV and get a bit of physical activity on my mini stair-stepper. (Yes, I could have gone for a walk, but it’s cold and icy. Colorado does not de-ice the way it was done when I resided in Milwaukee and Chicago. Go green!)

On the TV was a syndicated episode of Everybody Loves Raymond. Honestly, as annoying and clueless as Ray is, I would have choked him by now, if he were my husband. Luckily, he is not – and here’s why…Ray refuses to step up and help craft the family dynamics of his multigenerational family. He’s always the victim, never pro-active, and he needs to grow a pair.

Granted Frank, Marie, and Robert don’t live with Ray and Debra – but they might as well be living there based on how often they are un-invitingly folding themselves into Ray and Debra’s day-to-day lives.

The particular episode I was watching involved Marie going over to Ray and Debra’s to be” helpful”. Of course Frank and Robert trailed right behind Marie. Marie discovers a Victoria’s Secret receipt and comments on how much money Debra has spent on “such a thing”.

That exchange had me laughing from my gut and almost falling off the mini stair-stepper. I yelled out to the television, in hopes Marie and I might have a civil discussion, “Hey! Who says Debra is the purchaser of said Victoria’s Secret skimpies?”

Then I laughed some more as I thought about my mother-in-law’s daily visit to our mailbox and how she likes to sort out the mail. The bills are put into one stack. My US Weekly, Essence, and Women’s Health magazines are in my stack. Hubby’s stack is comprised of the Harvard Business Review, Family Handyman magazine, and Victoria’s Secret catalog.

Yes, that’s right. My mother-in-law knows what’s up, and she often announces out loud – upon returning from her journey to the mailbox, “Hey T, your fun catalog is here!”

So take that Marie and Ray. If you two can’t be honest with each other about Ray trying to keep it spicy and alive in the bedroom, then shame on you both.

Being open about topics dealing with intimacy can be tricky. Here are some ways you can navigate this.

Don’t want the other adults (or children) in the multigenerational house to see what type of mail you are receiving? Purchase a PO Box.
Are you making purchases from “adult playtime” type companies? Find out what their outside packaging looks like before you have the package delivered to your multigenerational home. Or – purchase a PO Box.
If other adults, in the multigenerational home, are making judgmental comments or giving you slide glances about your commitment to intimacy with your spouse/partner – politely ask them to stop. Or – give them the opportunity to ask you questions (you select the quantity of questions they may ask – my favorite number – 3) – and then move on.
Be proud of yourself – and keep it moving.

Has this topic come up in your multigenerational home – or with your in-laws? What did you do to work through it?

image

→ Leave a comment

Posted in Relationships, Tools

Tagged having "the talk", intimacy, mail service, privacy, Victoria's Secret

Dinner time Discussion

Posted on January 26, 2012 by Kanesha | Leave a comment

Dinner time, in our multigenerational home, is something else. We’re talking, laughing, singing, dancing, crying, whining, smacking…oh and actually eating. The point is – we make sure we are sitting down together, Monday through Thursday, and pretty much anything can happen at the table.

My mother-in-law seemed a bit tense at the dinner table last night. My kids were loud. The four-year-old was complaining there was not enough broccoli. I was singing, taking my time securing sparkling water, and not making haste to sit down at the table. Hubby was going through a delivery UPS has dropped off – and here was this beautiful dinner my mother-in-law had prepared – sitting hot and on the table.

I guess we were being naughty children.

When I got to the table, my mother-in-law had “that look” – you know what I’m talking about. I tried to be a problem solver and offered her a beer. She chuckled and her mood seemed to lighten up – which was good, because I then quickly told everyone they would be completing my “5 Question Dinner Time Questionnaire”.

Then they all gave me “that look”.

My four-year-old tossed his questionnaire back at me and huffed, “Mommy! You know I can’t read!”

Why a “5 Question Dinner Time Questionnaire”?

Why not?

OK, confession…early during the day, I was working on my eBook and then my brain locked up. I needed to write something – so I wrote up the questionnaire and printed it on bright paper.

Back to the dinner table…

Why a “5 Question Dinner Time Questionnaire”?

Our family is busy. We sometimes forget to appreciate each other. We all have different communication styles. We often need to be refocused on what makes our life together groovy. Writing skills are important! (OK – that was the educator in me and the link between dinner time talk and SAT scores coming out.)

The family agreed to complete the questionnaire and I told them I didn’t care about food or grease stains. I told my four-year-old I would be his scribe and he could decorate the back of his questionnaire with his name. That helped me get back in his good graces.

This “homework” was due by bedtime. Everyone made the deadline – so I’m taking them all out for frozen yogurt later today – plus I have a BOGO coupon!

Here’s what we all wrote:

Adjective to describe your current mood:

Kanesha: Relaxed

Hubby: Anxious

Mother-in-law: Middle ground

12-year-old: Accomplished

4-year-old: Good

What are you currently reading?

Kanesha: Create Your Own Luck by Susan Hyatt

Hubby: Mindset by Carol S. Dweck

Mother-in-law: Road to Quoz by William Least Heat-Moon

12-year-old: The Tinkerer’s Daughter by Jamie Sedgwick

4-year-old: The Art of Kingston Baynard (and Umicar) by Kingston Baynard (and Grandma)

What did you do for yourself that made you happy today?

Kanesha: Went for a 90 minute walk

Hubby: Watched ESPN before going to work

Mother-in-law: Sat in the sun at the park

12-year-old: Sang and danced (with mommy) – curled my hair, just ‘cuz

4-year-old: Organized a game of pirates at the local part and got the moms and other kids running around

Song that’s currently at the top of your playlist

Kanesha: I Can’t Be Without You by Lenny Kravitz

Hubby: Moves Like Jagger by Maroon 5

Mother-in-law: No one song – just the jazz channel

12-year-old: Set Fire To The Rain by Adele / Only Girl (In the World) by Rihanna

4-year-old: Rocketship Run by Laurie Berkner

What made you grateful – this week/month – about living in a multigenerational family?

Kanesha: Observing patience – learning how to be more patient

Hubby: Dinner discussion with my mom while Kanesha was out of town

Mother-in-law: Always something going on

12-year-old: All the personalities that make everything different and not dull – everything is more interesting

4-year-old: Bella (12yo) because she is my best sister

What questions should I put on the next 5 Question Dinner Time Questionnaire?

→ Leave a comment

Posted in Relationships, Tools

Tagged dinnertime discussion, expressing yourself, family routines, fun communication, gratitude

23 ways to honor loved ones who have passed away

Posted on January 23, 2012 by Kanesha | Leave a comment

This post is dedicated to my mother-in-law, in honor of her late father, Manville W. Elmer.

***

I recently posted this question on my personal Facebook page:

How do you honor/remember loved ones, who have passed away, when their birthdays come around?

You see, I was thinking ahead to January 23 – today – because it’s the birthday of my mother-in-law’s father. She has written a few posts about her father’s amazing life and the legacy he left to the family.

I feel fortunate to have met my mother-in-law’s father (in 1996) and spent some time with him during visits to my mother-in-law’s hometown.

I enjoyed watching my hubby make homemade ice cream, with an old fashioned hand crank machine, with his grandfather. I was in complete shocked and laughed hysterical when one batch of ice cream didn’t make the cut – so hubby and his grandfather went to the small town grocery store, returned the ingredients from the “bad batch” - picked up new ingredients – without paying for the new stuff – and waltzed right of the store to make more ice cream.

I have heard pieces of conversations my mother-in-law has had with her siblings as January 23 comes around on the calendar each year.

And here it is – January 23, again, and I’m thinking about my place in this family – the maternal side of hubby’s family. I’m wanting to keep my children connected to their great-grandfather. I’m trying to figure out how to positively nurture family history – and create a space for honoring those who have touched us and are no longer with us. I’m hoping to keep the memories alive and the pain of the loss in a quiet space that keeps us whole and healing.

Here are 23 ways to honor loved ones who have passed away:

Write a poem in honor of the loved one.
Play their favorite music/songs.
Record family members sharing favorite stories or memories of the person.
Decorate the loved one’s headstone.
Meet at the gravesite at a designated time, tell family stories, release balloons, and then go celebrate the person’s life.
Moment of silence.
Light a candle and tell the loved one the things they have missed over the year.
Go out to dinner and toast the legacy that has been left.
Cook the loved one’s favorite foods.
Have a good cry.
Do a community service project as a family.
Have a birthday cake and celebrate the years the person was alive and with us.
Participate in an activity we used to do together.
Write messages, attach to a balloon filled with helium, and then set the message/balloons free.
Wear a piece of jewelry that belonged to the loved one.
Call other loved ones to talk about the deceased person. Talk about the deceased person’s influence on your life.
Make a family quilt – from clothing of the loved one.
Create a scrapbook.
Make a donation in honor of the deceased loved one.
Take a day off from work/school to rest and think about the loved one.
Have a movie marathon – showing your deceased loved one’s favorite movies.
Plant a tree or a garden.
Write a letter to your loved one – and if appropriate, have the letter published.

Thank you to everyone who contributed to this list.

→ Leave a comment

Posted in Multigenerational living and life, Tools

Tagged family history, family legacy, honoring deceased loved ones, mourning

Multigenerational Round-up 1.20.12

Posted on January 20, 2012 by Kanesha | Leave a comment

Multigenerational Stuff I’m Lovin’ This Week (…or shaking my head at):

Granny Is My Wingman

This granddaughter and grandmother duo are full of sass, real talk, and living life to the fullest. Kaylee and Gayle chronicle their internet dating adventures on their blog, grannyismywingman. So much I want to say about how internet dating goes down in our multigenerational household – but I don’t want to sleep with one eye open. I’ll stick to reading Kaylee’s blog.

Family Matters: Multigenerational Families in a Volatile Economy

Generations United has put together an amazing report called: Family Matters: Multigenerational Families in a Volatile Economy. The report outlines the factors that contribute to families selecting or being forced to build a multigenerational household.

The statistics paint a picture of societal factors that are often overlooked. The resources, provided in the report, are highly beneficial and easily accessible. Do not become overwhelmed by the size of this report. Take a look at it in small chunks – because the information is a must read.

Rob

Well, this I gave this TV show one glance – and now I am going to pass. A few things I will mention are marrying another person and springing it on the in-laws is tricky, terrifying, and will certainly cause a raucous. I mean, think about all the planned marriages – that still fall into the “family drama” territory.

I wish the acting wasn’t so over-the-top, and I also wish they would show the complexities of being a multigenerational family and offer realistic solutions that will still have us laughing. I mean – over in this full nest – laughter is a must have on a daily basis!

Happy Birthday to the Frist Lady, Michelle Obama!

I completely adore the relationship Mrs. Obama and her mother, Mrs. Robinson, have in regards to their multigenerational family. Mrs. Robinson reminds me of my mother-in-law when she says, “The main thing that I think needs to be taught to children is the ability to think and make decisions,… You don’t have to have a lot of information, but you have to know how to get through the process. If you make mistakes you don’t just decide ‘I will never do that again. ”

As my mother-in-law and I are trying to up the healthy eating factor in our multigenerational home, I echo Mrs. Obama’s thoughts on a healthy lifestyle that’s still fun and human. Mrs. Obama says, “I love burgers and fries, you know? And I love ice cream and cake. So do most kids,” the first lady said. “We’re not talking about a lifestyle that excludes all that. That’s the fun of being a kid. That’s the fun of being a human.”

Homes Built for Multi-Generational Families

Mo Rocca’s report on housing for multigenerational families was fantastic. The one “problem” I had is Mo didn’t interview my family. Anyway…I loved the mom/grandma, Linda, in the report. I enjoyed her spunk and love of kicking it to casinos to her girlfriends.

Home builders’ response to more multigenerational families having a need to keep the core family’s lifestyle intact – with the addition of an extended family member moving in – is a critical point in making a successful transition to a multigenerational household.

→ Leave a comment

Posted in Community, Tools

Tagged Generations United, in the news, multigenerational housing, multigenerational lifestyle, stuff I like

Happier YOU Holiday Wheel

Posted on December 20, 2011 by Kanesha | Leave a comment

Worried about spending time with specific relatives this holiday season?
Wondering when someone is going to rub you the wrong way?
Thinking about self-medicating (e.g. over boozing, overeating, etc.) to cope?
Plotting ways to skip out on the family interactions?

Don’t.

Try the “Happier YOU Holiday Wheel”, instead.

Bypass having a negative experience when certain loved ones try to skunk your holiday groove – spin the wheel.

Turn the negative experience into something fun, rockin’, wacky, and marvelous. After all, you are only responsible for your own behavior and you cannot change the behavior of your relatives.