Category Archives: Relationships

Valentine’s Day – 2012

Posted on February 14, 2012 by | Leave a comment

Yes, we have a crafty love fest going on in our multigenerational nest.

Without even saying it, we all decided to make our own love trinkets for each other. My 4-year-old was the only one requiring assistance, and everyone else pretty much worked on their lovely gifts alone.

This morning we stashed each family member’s gift in various areas of the house. This seemed to set the tone for a serene, easy-moving, and happy morning routine.

Love is in the air for us – and we hope you enjoy the quotes and songs we’ve selected to share with you.

Happy Valentine’s Day!

“Like music on the waters is thy sweet voice to me.” -Lord Byron

“All Love is sweet. Given or returned. Common as light is love, And its familiar voice wearies not ever.” -Percy Bysshe Shelley

“In real love you want the other person’s good. In romantic love you want the other person.” -Margaret Anderson

“In dreams and in love there are no impossibilities” -Janos Arnay

“We are all born for love. It is the principle of existence, and its only end. -Benjamin Disraeli

“It is only with the heart that one can see rightly; what is essential is invisible to the eye.” -Antoine de Saint-Exupery

“Paradise is always where love dwells.” -Jean Paul Richter

“Love distills desire upon the eyes, love brings bewitching grace into the heart.” -Euripides

“At the touch of love everyone becomes a poet.” -Plato

“The most powerful symptom of love is a tenderness which becomes at times almost insupportable.” -Victor Hugo

“Listening is an attitude of the heart, a genuine desire to be with another which both attracts and heals.” -J. Isham

“To love is to receive a glimpse of heaven.” -Karen Sunde

“Since love grows within you, so beauty grows. For love is the beauty of the soul.” -St. Aurelius Augustine

“One word frees us of all the weight and pain in life. That word is love.” -Sophocles

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Intimacy in the Multligenerational Home

Posted on February 6, 2012 by | Leave a comment

I had a 45 minute break between coaching clients and decided to turn on the TV and get a bit of physical activity on my mini stair-stepper. (Yes, I could have gone for a walk, but it’s cold and icy. Colorado does not de-ice the way it was done when I resided in Milwaukee and Chicago. Go green!)

On the TV was a syndicated episode of Everybody Loves Raymond. Honestly, as annoying and clueless as Ray is, I would have choked him by now,  if he were my husband. Luckily, he is not – and here’s why…Ray refuses to step up and help craft the family dynamics of his multigenerational family. He’s always the victim, never pro-active, and he needs to grow a pair.

Granted Frank, Marie, and Robert don’t live with Ray and Debra – but they might as well be living there based on how often they are un-invitingly folding themselves into Ray and Debra’s day-to-day lives.

The particular episode I was watching involved Marie going over to Ray and Debra’s to be” helpful”. Of course Frank and Robert trailed right behind Marie. Marie discovers a Victoria’s Secret receipt and comments on how much money Debra has spent on “such a thing”.

That exchange had me laughing from my gut and almost falling off the mini stair-stepper. I yelled out to the television, in hopes Marie and I might have a civil discussion, “Hey! Who says Debra is the purchaser of said Victoria’s Secret skimpies?”

Then I laughed some more as I thought about my mother-in-law’s daily visit to our mailbox and how she likes to sort out the mail. The bills are put into one stack. My US Weekly, Essence, and Women’s Health magazines are in my stack. Hubby’s stack is comprised of the Harvard Business Review, Family Handyman magazine, and Victoria’s Secret catalog.

Yes, that’s right. My mother-in-law knows what’s up, and she often announces out loud – upon returning from her journey to the mailbox, “Hey T, your fun catalog is here!”

So take that Marie and Ray. If you two can’t be honest with each other about Ray trying to keep it spicy and alive in the bedroom, then shame on you both.

Being open about topics dealing with intimacy can be tricky. Here are some ways you can navigate this.

  1. Don’t want the other adults (or children) in the multigenerational house to see what type of mail you are receiving? Purchase a PO Box.
  2. Are you making purchases from “adult playtime” type companies? Find out what their outside packaging looks like before you have the package delivered to your multigenerational home. Or – purchase a PO Box.
  3. If other adults, in the multigenerational home, are making judgmental comments or giving you slide glances about your commitment to intimacy with your spouse/partner – politely ask them to stop. Or – give them the opportunity to ask you questions (you select the quantity of questions they may ask – my favorite number – 3) – and then move on.
  4. Be proud of yourself – and keep it moving.

Has this topic come up in your multigenerational home – or with your in-laws? What did you do to work through it?

 

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Dinner time Discussion

Posted on January 26, 2012 by | Leave a comment

Dinner time, in our multigenerational home, is something else. We’re talking, laughing, singing, dancing, crying, whining, smacking…oh and actually eating. The point is – we make sure we are sitting down together, Monday through Thursday, and pretty much anything can happen at the table.

My mother-in-law seemed a bit tense at the dinner table last night. My kids were loud. The four-year-old was complaining there was not enough broccoli. I was singing, taking my time securing sparkling water, and not making haste to sit down at the table. Hubby was going through a delivery UPS has dropped off – and here was this beautiful dinner my mother-in-law had prepared – sitting hot and on the table.

I guess we were being naughty children.

When I got to the table, my mother-in-law had “that look” – you know what I’m talking about. I tried to be a problem solver and offered her a beer. She chuckled and her mood seemed to lighten up – which was good, because I then quickly told everyone they would be completing my “5 Question Dinner Time Questionnaire”.

Then they all gave me “that look”.

My four-year-old tossed his questionnaire back at me and huffed, “Mommy! You know I can’t read!”

Why a “5 Question Dinner Time Questionnaire”?

Why not?

OK, confession…early during the day, I was working on my eBook and then my brain locked up. I needed to write something – so I wrote up the questionnaire and printed it on bright paper.

Back to the dinner table…

Why a “5 Question Dinner Time Questionnaire”?

Our family is busy. We sometimes forget to appreciate each other. We all have different communication styles. We often need to be refocused on what makes our life together groovy. Writing skills are important! (OK – that was the educator in me and the link between dinner time talk and SAT scores coming out.)

The family agreed to complete the questionnaire and I told them I didn’t care about food or grease stains. I told my four-year-old I would be his scribe and he could decorate the back of his questionnaire with his name.  That helped me get back in his good graces.

This “homework” was due by bedtime. Everyone made the deadline – so I’m taking them all out for frozen yogurt later today – plus I have a BOGO coupon!

Here’s what we all wrote:

Adjective to describe your current mood:

Kanesha:  Relaxed

Hubby:  Anxious

Mother-in-law:  Middle ground

12-year-old:  Accomplished

4-year-old:  Good

What are you currently reading?

Kanesha:  Create Your Own Luck by Susan Hyatt

Hubby:  Mindset by Carol S. Dweck

Mother-in-law:  Road to Quoz by William Least Heat-Moon

12-year-old:  The Tinkerer’s Daughter by Jamie Sedgwick

4-year-old:  The Art of Kingston Baynard (and Umicar) by Kingston Baynard (and Grandma)

What did you do for yourself that made you happy today?

Kanesha:  Went for a 90 minute walk

Hubby:  Watched ESPN before going to work

Mother-in-law:  Sat in the sun at the park

12-year-old:  Sang and danced (with mommy) – curled my hair, just ‘cuz

4-year-old:  Organized a game of pirates at the local part and got the moms and other kids running around

Song that’s currently at the top of your playlist

Kanesha:  I Can’t Be Without You by Lenny Kravitz

Hubby:  Moves Like Jagger by Maroon 5

Mother-in-law:  No one song – just the jazz channel

12-year-old:  Set Fire To The Rain by Adele / Only Girl (In the World) by Rihanna

4-year-old:  Rocketship Run by Laurie Berkner

What made you grateful – this week/month – about living in a multigenerational family?

Kanesha:  Observing patience – learning how to be more patient

Hubby:  Dinner discussion with my mom while Kanesha was out of town

Mother-in-law:  Always something going on

12-year-old:  All the personalities that make everything different and not dull – everything is more interesting

4-year-old:  Bella (12yo) because she is my best sister

What questions should I put on the next 5 Question Dinner Time Questionnaire?

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Happier YOU Holiday Wheel

Posted on December 20, 2011 by | Leave a comment
  • Worried about spending time with specific relatives this holiday season?
  • Wondering when someone is going to rub you the wrong way?
  • Thinking about self-medicating (e.g. over boozing, overeating, etc.) to cope?
  • Plotting ways to skip out on the family interactions?

Don’t. 

Try the “Happier YOU Holiday Wheel”, instead.

Bypass having a negative experience when certain loved ones try to skunk your holiday groove – spin the wheel.

Turn the negative experience into something fun, rockin’, wacky, and marvelous. After all, you are only responsible for your own behavior and you cannot change the behavior of your relatives.

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Spin the wheel by yourself or have a friend or loved one, who is dreading negative holiday interactions, spin the wheel with you.

If you complete all 8 tasks/activities, on spin the wheel, reward yourself!

Use the premade Holiday Wheel or create your own.

You may also want to checkout Martha Beck’s Dysfunctional Family BINGO.

Let me know how it goes.

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37 things you want to ask your in-laws, but can’t… (or won’t)

Posted on December 19, 2011 by | Leave a comment

Hey! Busy time of year – so thanks for stopping back to read.

Spending the past weekend with my mother-in-law and father-in-law has been fun, wacky, energizing, energy sapping, and sweet.

Yes, it was all over the place.

I did a lot of journaling and I came up with a list of questions I wanted to ask – but won’t – because some of the answers are not my business (even though I’m nosey and curious as hell!).

The other reasons I won’t ask are because some of the information/responses would be trivial, it won’t improve our relationship, it won’t right the past, and it won’t move us to the next productive phase in our relationship.

Even though I’m clear on this right now – I can’t say temptation and curiosity won’t get the best of me (especially after some super festive eggnog).

Put in the right mood,  I just might engage my in-laws (separately) with some of these questions.

Below is my list of questions – intermingled with some questions from my curious friends and colleagues – that I would want to pose to my in-laws.

  1. Which grandkids do you like the best?
  2. Why do you refuse to get a mammogram?
  3. Why won’t you use lotion?
  4. Why do you wear that fugly Christmas sweater every year?
  5. Why don’t you pick up your feet when you walk?
  6. Why didn’t you teach your son how to clean up? I’m not his maid!
  7. Why are you all up in our business?
  8. Why do you compete with me?
  9. Why do you compete with the other grandmother/grandfather (my parents)?
  10. Why did you abandon your child – not once -but twice?
  11. Why are you a hoarder?
  12. Why do you refuse the help I offer to you?
  13. Why do you talk to my wife/husband like he/she is a small child?
  14. Did you ever discuss, with “any” of your offspring, the need for moral values or good character?
  15. Why didn’t you talk to your son/daughter about the birds and the bees?
  16. Why do you act like your shit doesn’t stink?
  17. Why do you show up at my house uninvited?
  18. Why do you like me?
  19. Why do you shut down when I’m trying to have a serious conversation to you?
  20. Do you love me for me or just love me because your son/daughter loves me?
  21. Why are you in denial? Yes, I have sex with your son/daughter – we’re married!
  22. Why do you think you’re the boss of my family?
  23. Why won’t you use your cane/walker when you know you need it?
  24. Am I the only one who sees how manipulative my brother-in-law/sister-in-law is?
  25. Why are you stuck in the past? Join us in the present!
  26. Why are you trying to impress me? Just be yourself.
  27. Why do you pretend you were an involved parent when your son/daughter was growing up?
  28. Why do you feel the need to monitor and point out my weight gain?
  29. Why do you continue to fight your son’s/daughter’s battles?
  30. How do you really feel about your son/daughter marrying an American?
  31. Did you ever smoke marijuana? If so, how about having some now.
  32. Why are you in denial about the strained relationship between (a) you and me (b) your son/daughter and you?
  33. How do you feel about your son/daughter being in an interracial marriage?
  34. Why do you eat so loudly?
  35. Why do you openly compare me to your son’s/daughter’s first wife/husband?
  36. Why do you keep pictures up of your son’s/daughter’s first wife/husband (ex-girlfriend/ex-boyfriend)?
  37. Why are you so mean and cranky?
  38. Why has made you stay married? (added 12.19.11 at 10:32 pm)

What questions would you add to this list?

 

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6 ways to nurture, not force, your relationship with your father-in-law

Posted on December 7, 2011 by | Leave a comment

My father-in-law will arrive in about eight days for a short visit. Friends and family members always ask, “How is that, since your mother-in-law lives with you?”

I don’t have one word to describe how it is because I haven’t spent any time defining this dynamic. I focus on making my father-in-law feel welcomed, keeping hubby relaxed, encouraging my kids to spend time with their grandfather, and keeping the house stocked with my mother-in-law’s favorite beer (if she sticks around).

I think my father-in-law is a kind and interesting person. I always learn just a bit more about him on each visit. I do have any expectations of how his visit will go because I choose not to put any stress on myself if the expectations are not met.

I also do not expect my father-in-law and me to have the same type of relationship as I have with my mother-in-law. Our interactions are completely different, and my mother-in-law does not completely fall into the extended family category – as my father-in-law does.

Below are 6 things I do to nurture, not force, my relationship with my father-in-law:

Know the appropriate way to address your father-in-law. He may want you to call him “dad” or by his first name. Don’t guess, just ask him directly.

Just as many grandmother’s choose their “grandparenting name” (e.g. Nana, Grammy, Grams, etc.), allow your father-in-law to select the grandparent name he’s most comfortable with – and your kids can actually say.

Don’t push it. If your father-in-law an only engages in social interactions for a maximum of 15 minutes, so be it. Communicate this with your kids so they are not shocked with their grandfather disengages.

Learn about your father-in-law’s strengths and interests. If he is good at square dancing, ask him to teach your kids and you a few steps. You can set a time limit on this type of interaction.

Do not put yourself in the role of a relationship therapist. If your partner/spouse has a not so productive or complicated relationship with his/her father – do not meddle in this. You may have good intentions, but it’s not your business or duty to fix things. Stay in your own lane.

Always be authentic. Do not change who you are when you interact with your father-in-law. Pretending to be someone else will make you exhausted and resentful.

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