Author Archives: Kanesha

Valentine’s Day – 2012

Posted on February 14, 2012 | Leave a comment

Yes, we have a crafty love fest going on in our multigenerational nest.

Without even saying it, we all decided to make our own love trinkets for each other. My 4-year-old was the only one requiring assistance, and everyone else pretty much worked on their lovely gifts alone.

This morning we stashed each family member’s gift in various areas of the house. This seemed to set the tone for a serene, easy-moving, and happy morning routine.

Love is in the air for us – and we hope you enjoy the quotes and songs we’ve selected to share with you.

Happy Valentine’s Day!

“Like music on the waters is thy sweet voice to me.” -Lord Byron

“All Love is sweet. Given or returned. Common as light is love, And its familiar voice wearies not ever.” -Percy Bysshe Shelley

“In real love you want the other person’s good. In romantic love you want the other person.” -Margaret Anderson

“In dreams and in love there are no impossibilities” -Janos Arnay

“We are all born for love. It is the principle of existence, and its only end. -Benjamin Disraeli

“It is only with the heart that one can see rightly; what is essential is invisible to the eye.” -Antoine de Saint-Exupery

“Paradise is always where love dwells.” -Jean Paul Richter

“Love distills desire upon the eyes, love brings bewitching grace into the heart.” -Euripides

“At the touch of love everyone becomes a poet.” -Plato

“The most powerful symptom of love is a tenderness which becomes at times almost insupportable.” -Victor Hugo

“Listening is an attitude of the heart, a genuine desire to be with another which both attracts and heals.” -J. Isham

“To love is to receive a glimpse of heaven.” -Karen Sunde

“Since love grows within you, so beauty grows. For love is the beauty of the soul.” -St. Aurelius Augustine

“One word frees us of all the weight and pain in life. That word is love.” -Sophocles

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5 Ways to Improve In-law Relationships

Posted on February 9, 2012 | 1 Comment

I have been working with two clients who are struggling with in-law relationships.

Client A is stressed and sad that her future daughter-in-law will not let her (Client A) help with the wedding plans.

Client B is angry and defensive because her mother-in-law questions everything Client B does with her 6-month-old baby.

One thing I have been emphasizing with both clients is, “What is your role in the interactions?”

It’s hard for many of us to remember we only have control over ourselves and control over how we react to situations. We cannot change others, and the level of our influence on others is not a stable indicator of shifting things to go “your way”.

Even when a relationship, exchange, or situation is complicated, we have the power and control to shift our energy and move forward.

I provided the following reminders, for my clients, to keep at the top of their minds, when they are interacting with their in-law relatives:

Relationships take a lot of work

Cultivating a positive and thriving relationship with in-law relatives does not happen overnight. You have to be willing to put yourself out there and model constructive interactions. You will sometimes have to step outside your comfort zone and express your feelings or emotions to your in-law relative, knowing their response could be welcoming or unwelcoming. This is the case of you get out what you put in.

Change is scary – and may cause tantrums

Entering into a family or having a new family member join is a major change. An in-law relative may not realize it, but he/she may be grieving a loss – loss of how things “used to be” – and not directly dealing with it. The change may prompt him/her to throw a tantrum – which comes out in the form for being withdrawn, judgmental, or possessive.

One way to approach this is to acknowledge the joys and challenges of change. You can express what brings you joy in joining your in-laws, welcoming a new baby, planning a family event, etc. – and you can also express where you are feeling uneasy. In being clear with your own voice and feelings, it gives in-laws a chance to learn about you and understand your commitment to the in-law relationship or situation. This also lessens the fear of the unknown – which is a large characteristic of change.

Don’t take the bait

If an in-law relative is good at pushing your buttons – take a look within and figure out why this is a trigger for you. Are you holding on to limiting beliefs about yourself that make you defensive, hurt, or reactive? If so, explore this.

As I mentioned, you are in control of how you react to situations. If you work through your limiting beliefs and release yourself from any thought dungeons  – your in-law’s bait with have no effect on you.

Take a step back

If you are interacting with your in-law relative and things seem to be going down a dark road, take a break. You cannot do the important work of having open communication when you are feeling stressed, defensive, or angry.

Step back from the situation, refuel, and try again.

Practice forgiveness

It’s not uncommon for flair ups to take place between in-law relatives. Sometimes in-laws can show us their best, and often the worst can be displayed as well. Do not hold on to resentment because it takes up too much space and energy. Resentment does not serve anyone – so let it go. Practice forgiveness so you can release any hurt or pain.

You may not forget the incident or interaction, but forgiveness allows you to heal so that you are open to working on the in-law relationship – and moving forward in your living your best life.

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Leaping into age 40

Posted on February 8, 2012 | Leave a comment

We’re celebrating another birthday in our multigenerational nest, and it’s my big 4-0!

I’ve had friends tell me that I’m approaching 40 so positively – but really, why wouldn’t I?

I mean, I feel good. My family is thriving. We are all healthy and having fun. And hey, another birthday means another year to do great things and blog about it – plus the extra day, during leap year, to do – well, whatever!

Following in the footsteps of hubby and my mother-in-law in celebrating birthdays, I have crafted my 40 and fabulous list to commemorate this birth milestone.

1.  Moon dance whenever you want – but especially on the night of a full moon.

2.  Embrace your stretch marks.

3.  Indulge in Girls’ Night Out. When you come home, you’ll get lucky.

4.  Buy really good beer for your mother-in-law.

5.  Have a fun “sit-down” with your mother-in-law, after you have purchased good beer for her. You’ll learn a whole bunch.

6.  Be an active listener. The benefits are too great to explain – so trust me.

7.  Leap into the next phase of your life. It’s fun, scary, and exhilarating – all at the same time.

8.  Have car concerts, where you seat dance and sing as loudly as you can, daily.

9.  Start a blog even if you don’t know how.

10.  Buy some red boots and wear them WHENEVER you want.

11.  Hire a cleaning service for your home – use Groupon or Living Social if you have to.

12.  Take a telecourse that is “outside” your box.

13.  Visit the hot springs.

14.  Get a proper bra fitting. You will be thrilled!

15.  Get dropped off at the mall – buy some coffee – and doctor it up with Bailey’s or Kahlua!  (Yes, that’s what big purses are for.)

16.  Go on a multigenerational vacation – and rent a house/apartment.

17.  When a random person asks, “So what do you do?” Tell them you live with your mother-in-law and see what happens.

18.  Teach someone you love, who is 50-years-old (or older), how to internet date.

19.  Watch the Twilight Saga movies – and relive your first love moments.

20.  Ditch your kid (leaving them with grandparent/s) and go on a “during the day” date with your spouse/partner.

21.  Ditch your kid (leaving them with grandparent/s) and go on a mini-vacation.

22.  Get caught doing PDA, with your spouse/partner, by your in-law/s.

23.  Be the daughter-in-law who will ask any kind of question of your in-laws. (Yes, I need supervision.)

24.  Eat cookies in bed – on your partner/spouse’s side of the bed. (Yes, I said this before – and it’s so fun to do!)

25.  Be honest about dying your hair. It’s not that big of a deal.

26.  Don’t compare and despair with the lives of your in-law siblings. (I haven’t done this – so that’s all I can say.)

27.  Find a fun cookbook and work your way through all the recipes. Yes, those math skills that have been dormant will be put to use.

28.  Take professional family photos – every other year.

29.  Moms should be happy, and not feel guilty, to ask for help. (I mean sh*t, the POTUS has a whole entourage.)

30.  Put yourself in time-out when you need to.

31.  Let go of childhood pain. It’s no longer serving you (not that it ever did.)

32.  Take a day off – at least once a month. Go do whatever you want – and ditch the guilt.

33.  DVR trash TV and then watch it while you fold your laundry. Yes, this helps you check laundry off your chore list.

34.  Do not watch the local/national news in the morning. It’ll skunk your groove.

35.  Shift happens.

36.  Speak your truth –no matter what.

37.  Surround yourself with people who fuel you – not deplete you.

38.  Stay open.

39.  Get enough sleep – and screw your “to do“ list. It’ll get done eventually – IF it’s important or critical.

40.  Be 40 and fabulous!

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Intimacy in the Multligenerational Home

Posted on February 6, 2012 | Leave a comment

I had a 45 minute break between coaching clients and decided to turn on the TV and get a bit of physical activity on my mini stair-stepper. (Yes, I could have gone for a walk, but it’s cold and icy. Colorado does not de-ice the way it was done when I resided in Milwaukee and Chicago. Go green!)

On the TV was a syndicated episode of Everybody Loves Raymond. Honestly, as annoying and clueless as Ray is, I would have choked him by now,  if he were my husband. Luckily, he is not – and here’s why…Ray refuses to step up and help craft the family dynamics of his multigenerational family. He’s always the victim, never pro-active, and he needs to grow a pair.

Granted Frank, Marie, and Robert don’t live with Ray and Debra – but they might as well be living there based on how often they are un-invitingly folding themselves into Ray and Debra’s day-to-day lives.

The particular episode I was watching involved Marie going over to Ray and Debra’s to be” helpful”. Of course Frank and Robert trailed right behind Marie. Marie discovers a Victoria’s Secret receipt and comments on how much money Debra has spent on “such a thing”.

That exchange had me laughing from my gut and almost falling off the mini stair-stepper. I yelled out to the television, in hopes Marie and I might have a civil discussion, “Hey! Who says Debra is the purchaser of said Victoria’s Secret skimpies?”

Then I laughed some more as I thought about my mother-in-law’s daily visit to our mailbox and how she likes to sort out the mail. The bills are put into one stack. My US Weekly, Essence, and Women’s Health magazines are in my stack. Hubby’s stack is comprised of the Harvard Business Review, Family Handyman magazine, and Victoria’s Secret catalog.

Yes, that’s right. My mother-in-law knows what’s up, and she often announces out loud – upon returning from her journey to the mailbox, “Hey T, your fun catalog is here!”

So take that Marie and Ray. If you two can’t be honest with each other about Ray trying to keep it spicy and alive in the bedroom, then shame on you both.

Being open about topics dealing with intimacy can be tricky. Here are some ways you can navigate this.

  1. Don’t want the other adults (or children) in the multigenerational house to see what type of mail you are receiving? Purchase a PO Box.
  2. Are you making purchases from “adult playtime” type companies? Find out what their outside packaging looks like before you have the package delivered to your multigenerational home. Or – purchase a PO Box.
  3. If other adults, in the multigenerational home, are making judgmental comments or giving you slide glances about your commitment to intimacy with your spouse/partner – politely ask them to stop. Or – give them the opportunity to ask you questions (you select the quantity of questions they may ask – my favorite number – 3) – and then move on.
  4. Be proud of yourself – and keep it moving.

Has this topic come up in your multigenerational home – or with your in-laws? What did you do to work through it?

 

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Dinner time Discussion

Posted on January 26, 2012 | Leave a comment

Dinner time, in our multigenerational home, is something else. We’re talking, laughing, singing, dancing, crying, whining, smacking…oh and actually eating. The point is – we make sure we are sitting down together, Monday through Thursday, and pretty much anything can happen at the table.

My mother-in-law seemed a bit tense at the dinner table last night. My kids were loud. The four-year-old was complaining there was not enough broccoli. I was singing, taking my time securing sparkling water, and not making haste to sit down at the table. Hubby was going through a delivery UPS has dropped off – and here was this beautiful dinner my mother-in-law had prepared – sitting hot and on the table.

I guess we were being naughty children.

When I got to the table, my mother-in-law had “that look” – you know what I’m talking about. I tried to be a problem solver and offered her a beer. She chuckled and her mood seemed to lighten up – which was good, because I then quickly told everyone they would be completing my “5 Question Dinner Time Questionnaire”.

Then they all gave me “that look”.

My four-year-old tossed his questionnaire back at me and huffed, “Mommy! You know I can’t read!”

Why a “5 Question Dinner Time Questionnaire”?

Why not?

OK, confession…early during the day, I was working on my eBook and then my brain locked up. I needed to write something – so I wrote up the questionnaire and printed it on bright paper.

Back to the dinner table…

Why a “5 Question Dinner Time Questionnaire”?

Our family is busy. We sometimes forget to appreciate each other. We all have different communication styles. We often need to be refocused on what makes our life together groovy. Writing skills are important! (OK – that was the educator in me and the link between dinner time talk and SAT scores coming out.)

The family agreed to complete the questionnaire and I told them I didn’t care about food or grease stains. I told my four-year-old I would be his scribe and he could decorate the back of his questionnaire with his name.  That helped me get back in his good graces.

This “homework” was due by bedtime. Everyone made the deadline – so I’m taking them all out for frozen yogurt later today – plus I have a BOGO coupon!

Here’s what we all wrote:

Adjective to describe your current mood:

Kanesha:  Relaxed

Hubby:  Anxious

Mother-in-law:  Middle ground

12-year-old:  Accomplished

4-year-old:  Good

What are you currently reading?

Kanesha:  Create Your Own Luck by Susan Hyatt

Hubby:  Mindset by Carol S. Dweck

Mother-in-law:  Road to Quoz by William Least Heat-Moon

12-year-old:  The Tinkerer’s Daughter by Jamie Sedgwick

4-year-old:  The Art of Kingston Baynard (and Umicar) by Kingston Baynard (and Grandma)

What did you do for yourself that made you happy today?

Kanesha:  Went for a 90 minute walk

Hubby:  Watched ESPN before going to work

Mother-in-law:  Sat in the sun at the park

12-year-old:  Sang and danced (with mommy) – curled my hair, just ‘cuz

4-year-old:  Organized a game of pirates at the local part and got the moms and other kids running around

Song that’s currently at the top of your playlist

Kanesha:  I Can’t Be Without You by Lenny Kravitz

Hubby:  Moves Like Jagger by Maroon 5

Mother-in-law:  No one song – just the jazz channel

12-year-old:  Set Fire To The Rain by Adele / Only Girl (In the World) by Rihanna

4-year-old:  Rocketship Run by Laurie Berkner

What made you grateful – this week/month – about living in a multigenerational family?

Kanesha:  Observing patience – learning how to be more patient

Hubby:  Dinner discussion with my mom while Kanesha was out of town

Mother-in-law:  Always something going on

12-year-old:  All the personalities that make everything different and not dull – everything is more interesting

4-year-old:  Bella (12yo) because she is my best sister

What questions should I put on the next 5 Question Dinner Time Questionnaire?

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23 ways to honor loved ones who have passed away

Posted on January 23, 2012 | Leave a comment

This post is dedicated to my mother-in-law, in honor of her late father, Manville W. Elmer.

***

I recently posted this question on my personal Facebook page:

How do you honor/remember loved ones, who have passed away, when their birthdays come around?

You see, I was thinking ahead to January 23 – today – because it’s the birthday of my mother-in-law’s father. She has written a few posts about her father’s amazing life and the legacy he left to the family.

I feel fortunate to have met my mother-in-law’s father (in 1996) and spent some time with him during visits to my mother-in-law’s hometown.

I enjoyed watching my hubby make homemade ice cream, with an old fashioned hand crank machine, with his grandfather. I was in complete shocked and laughed hysterical when one batch of ice cream didn’t make the cut – so hubby and his grandfather went to the small town grocery store, returned the ingredients from the “bad batch” -  picked up new ingredients – without paying for the new stuff – and waltzed right of the store to make more ice cream.

I have heard pieces of conversations my mother-in-law has had with her siblings as January 23 comes around on the calendar each year.

And here it is – January 23, again, and I’m thinking about my place in this family – the maternal side of hubby’s family. I’m wanting to keep my children connected to their great-grandfather. I’m trying to figure out how to positively  nurture family history – and create a space for honoring those who have touched us and are no longer with us. I’m hoping to keep the memories alive and the pain of the loss in a quiet space that keeps us whole and healing.

Here are 23 ways to honor loved ones who have passed away:

  1. Write a poem in honor of the loved one.
  2. Play their favorite music/songs.
  3. Record family members sharing favorite stories or memories of the person.
  4. Decorate the loved one’s headstone.
  5. Meet at the gravesite at a designated time, tell family stories, release balloons, and then go celebrate the person’s life.
  6. Moment of silence.
  7. Light a candle and tell the loved one the things they have missed over the year.
  8. Go out to dinner and toast the legacy that has been left.
  9. Cook the loved one’s favorite foods.
  10. Have a good cry.
  11. Do a community service project as a family.
  12. Have a birthday cake and celebrate the years the person was alive and with us.
  13. Participate in an activity we used to do together.
  14. Write messages, attach to a balloon filled with helium, and then set the message/balloons free.
  15. Wear a piece of jewelry that belonged to the loved one.
  16. Call other loved ones to talk about the deceased person. Talk about the deceased person’s influence on your life.
  17. Make a family quilt – from clothing of the loved one.
  18. Create a scrapbook.
  19. Make a donation in honor of the deceased loved one.
  20. Take a day off from work/school to rest and think about the loved one.
  21. Have a movie marathon – showing your deceased loved one’s favorite movies.
  22. Plant a tree or a garden.
  23. Write a letter to your loved one – and if appropriate, have the letter published.

Thank you to everyone who contributed to this list.

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