Dinner time Discussion

Posted on January 26, 2012 by | Leave a comment

Dinner time, in our multigenerational home, is something else. We’re talking, laughing, singing, dancing, crying, whining, smacking…oh and actually eating. The point is – we make sure we are sitting down together, Monday through Thursday, and pretty much anything can happen at the table.

My mother-in-law seemed a bit tense at the dinner table last night. My kids were loud. The four-year-old was complaining there was not enough broccoli. I was singing, taking my time securing sparkling water, and not making haste to sit down at the table. Hubby was going through a delivery UPS has dropped off – and here was this beautiful dinner my mother-in-law had prepared – sitting hot and on the table.

I guess we were being naughty children.

When I got to the table, my mother-in-law had “that look” – you know what I’m talking about. I tried to be a problem solver and offered her a beer. She chuckled and her mood seemed to lighten up – which was good, because I then quickly told everyone they would be completing my “5 Question Dinner Time Questionnaire”.

Then they all gave me “that look”.

My four-year-old tossed his questionnaire back at me and huffed, “Mommy! You know I can’t read!”

Why a “5 Question Dinner Time Questionnaire”?

Why not?

OK, confession…early during the day, I was working on my eBook and then my brain locked up. I needed to write something – so I wrote up the questionnaire and printed it on bright paper.

Back to the dinner table…

Why a “5 Question Dinner Time Questionnaire”?

Our family is busy. We sometimes forget to appreciate each other. We all have different communication styles. We often need to be refocused on what makes our life together groovy. Writing skills are important! (OK – that was the educator in me and the link between dinner time talk and SAT scores coming out.)

The family agreed to complete the questionnaire and I told them I didn’t care about food or grease stains. I told my four-year-old I would be his scribe and he could decorate the back of his questionnaire with his name.  That helped me get back in his good graces.

This “homework” was due by bedtime. Everyone made the deadline – so I’m taking them all out for frozen yogurt later today – plus I have a BOGO coupon!

Here’s what we all wrote:

Adjective to describe your current mood:

Kanesha:  Relaxed

Hubby:  Anxious

Mother-in-law:  Middle ground

12-year-old:  Accomplished

4-year-old:  Good

What are you currently reading?

Kanesha:  Create Your Own Luck by Susan Hyatt

Hubby:  Mindset by Carol S. Dweck

Mother-in-law:  Road to Quoz by William Least Heat-Moon

12-year-old:  The Tinkerer’s Daughter by Jamie Sedgwick

4-year-old:  The Art of Kingston Baynard (and Umicar) by Kingston Baynard (and Grandma)

What did you do for yourself that made you happy today?

Kanesha:  Went for a 90 minute walk

Hubby:  Watched ESPN before going to work

Mother-in-law:  Sat in the sun at the park

12-year-old:  Sang and danced (with mommy) – curled my hair, just ‘cuz

4-year-old:  Organized a game of pirates at the local part and got the moms and other kids running around

Song that’s currently at the top of your playlist

Kanesha:  I Can’t Be Without You by Lenny Kravitz

Hubby:  Moves Like Jagger by Maroon 5

Mother-in-law:  No one song – just the jazz channel

12-year-old:  Set Fire To The Rain by Adele / Only Girl (In the World) by Rihanna

4-year-old:  Rocketship Run by Laurie Berkner

What made you grateful – this week/month – about living in a multigenerational family?

Kanesha:  Observing patience – learning how to be more patient

Hubby:  Dinner discussion with my mom while Kanesha was out of town

Mother-in-law:  Always something going on

12-year-old:  All the personalities that make everything different and not dull – everything is more interesting

4-year-old:  Bella (12yo) because she is my best sister

What questions should I put on the next 5 Question Dinner Time Questionnaire?

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23 ways to honor loved ones who have passed away

Posted on January 23, 2012 by | Leave a comment

This post is dedicated to my mother-in-law, in honor of her late father, Manville W. Elmer.

***

I recently posted this question on my personal Facebook page:

How do you honor/remember loved ones, who have passed away, when their birthdays come around?

You see, I was thinking ahead to January 23 – today – because it’s the birthday of my mother-in-law’s father. She has written a few posts about her father’s amazing life and the legacy he left to the family.

I feel fortunate to have met my mother-in-law’s father (in 1996) and spent some time with him during visits to my mother-in-law’s hometown.

I enjoyed watching my hubby make homemade ice cream, with an old fashioned hand crank machine, with his grandfather. I was in complete shocked and laughed hysterical when one batch of ice cream didn’t make the cut – so hubby and his grandfather went to the small town grocery store, returned the ingredients from the “bad batch” -  picked up new ingredients – without paying for the new stuff – and waltzed right of the store to make more ice cream.

I have heard pieces of conversations my mother-in-law has had with her siblings as January 23 comes around on the calendar each year.

And here it is – January 23, again, and I’m thinking about my place in this family – the maternal side of hubby’s family. I’m wanting to keep my children connected to their great-grandfather. I’m trying to figure out how to positively  nurture family history – and create a space for honoring those who have touched us and are no longer with us. I’m hoping to keep the memories alive and the pain of the loss in a quiet space that keeps us whole and healing.

Here are 23 ways to honor loved ones who have passed away:

  1. Write a poem in honor of the loved one.
  2. Play their favorite music/songs.
  3. Record family members sharing favorite stories or memories of the person.
  4. Decorate the loved one’s headstone.
  5. Meet at the gravesite at a designated time, tell family stories, release balloons, and then go celebrate the person’s life.
  6. Moment of silence.
  7. Light a candle and tell the loved one the things they have missed over the year.
  8. Go out to dinner and toast the legacy that has been left.
  9. Cook the loved one’s favorite foods.
  10. Have a good cry.
  11. Do a community service project as a family.
  12. Have a birthday cake and celebrate the years the person was alive and with us.
  13. Participate in an activity we used to do together.
  14. Write messages, attach to a balloon filled with helium, and then set the message/balloons free.
  15. Wear a piece of jewelry that belonged to the loved one.
  16. Call other loved ones to talk about the deceased person. Talk about the deceased person’s influence on your life.
  17. Make a family quilt – from clothing of the loved one.
  18. Create a scrapbook.
  19. Make a donation in honor of the deceased loved one.
  20. Take a day off from work/school to rest and think about the loved one.
  21. Have a movie marathon – showing your deceased loved one’s favorite movies.
  22. Plant a tree or a garden.
  23. Write a letter to your loved one – and if appropriate, have the letter published.

Thank you to everyone who contributed to this list.

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Multigenerational Round-up 1.20.12

Posted on January 20, 2012 by | Leave a comment

Multigenerational Stuff I’m Lovin’ This Week (…or shaking my head at):

Granny Is My Wingman

This granddaughter and grandmother duo are full of sass, real talk, and living life to the fullest.  Kaylee and Gayle chronicle their internet dating adventures on their blog, grannyismywingman. So much I want to say about how internet dating goes down in our multigenerational household – but I don’t want to sleep with one eye open. I’ll stick to reading Kaylee’s blog.

Family Matters: Multigenerational Families in a Volatile Economy

Generations United has put together an amazing report called: Family Matters: Multigenerational Families in a Volatile Economy. The report outlines the factors that contribute to families selecting or being forced to build a multigenerational household.

The statistics paint a picture of societal factors that are often overlooked. The resources, provided in the report, are highly beneficial and easily accessible. Do not become overwhelmed by the size of this report. Take a look at it in small chunks – because the information is a must read.

Rob

Well, this I gave this TV show one glance – and now I am going to pass. A few things I will mention are marrying another person and springing it on the in-laws is tricky, terrifying, and will certainly cause a raucous. I mean, think about all the planned marriages – that still fall into the “family drama” territory.

I wish the acting wasn’t so over-the-top, and I also wish they would show the complexities of being a multigenerational family and offer realistic solutions that will still have us laughing. I mean – over in this full nest – laughter is a must have on a daily basis!

Happy Birthday to the Frist Lady, Michelle Obama!

I completely adore the relationship Mrs. Obama and her mother, Mrs. Robinson, have in regards to their multigenerational family. Mrs. Robinson reminds me of my mother-in-law when she says, “The main thing that I think needs to be taught to children is the ability to think and make decisions,… You don’t have to have a lot of information, but you have to know how to get through the process. If you make mistakes you don’t just decide ‘I will never do that again. ”

As my mother-in-law and I are trying to up the healthy eating factor in our multigenerational home, I echo Mrs. Obama’s thoughts on a healthy lifestyle that’s still fun and human.  Mrs. Obama says, “I love burgers and fries, you know? And I love ice cream and cake. So do most kids,” the first lady said. “We’re not talking about a lifestyle that excludes all that. That’s the fun of being a kid. That’s the fun of being a human.”

Homes Built for Multi-Generational Families

Mo Rocca’s report on housing for multigenerational families was fantastic. The one “problem” I had is Mo didn’t interview my family. Anyway…I loved the mom/grandma, Linda, in the report. I enjoyed her spunk and love of kicking it to casinos to her girlfriends.

Home builders’ response to more multigenerational families having a need to keep the core family’s lifestyle intact – with the addition of an extended family member moving in – is a critical point in making a successful transition to a multigenerational household.

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Multigenerational this and that…

Posted on January 19, 2012 by | Leave a comment

Hey IAFN readers,

I’m back.

I went on a bit of a creative hiatus and it’s been WONDERFUL. I decided to write an eBook called Nurturing the Change Cycle: 10 Ways to Build Positive In-law Relationships. Yup, I’ve been busy writing and creating. I really didn’t plan to start 2012 off writing a book because I wanted to de-clutter my house, get my home office organized, drink green smoothies…and a host of other productive things.

The book idea came about because a bunch of friends and family members leaned on me (positively) and said, “What are you waiting for?” I did not have a good or viable response as to why I should NOT write the book…so I got busy.

The plan is for the book to be finished and ready for eager eyes and minds – by mid-February (fingers crossed). I’m excited, nervous, and getting my act together.

And…before I plow ahead in talking about 2012 – I did want to say a bit more to wrap up 2011 and how it was for me and our multigenerational family.

Accomplishments

We were all happier and busier in 2011. Everyone become a year older and possibly about 5 years wiser. Our grooves were more in-tune and when they weren’t – we stepped aside and gave the family member the time and space they needed…without bitching about it.

More people are checking out IAFN and we’ve gotten a wonderful response. (Thank you!) We love connecting with other multigenerational families. Hubby and my mother-in-law contributed some posts to IAFN and that made me ecstatic…they don’t always want to do it. I don’t force them (that much) – and I really think their perspective and experience paint a wholistic picture of who we are and how we operate as a multigenerational family.

Lessons Learned

Here are my top five:

  • I will never have a deep relationship with my father-in-law – like I do with my mother-in-law…and that’s OK.
  • Other people will always ask me, “Do you like her?” in reference to my mother-in-law. I have finally learned to say, “Ask a better and less loaded question.”
  • Me mentioning “senior” events to my mother-in-law gets on her nerves. Done doing that.
  • Even though my mother-in-law is an amazing artist, she has no interest in setting up an Etsy shop – and I cannot be annoyed with her about this. Done doing that, too.
  • Playing Jeopardy with my multigenerational family will always be a challenge (answer in the form of a question, people!) – and I should get over it – and just enjoy the moment.

Gratitude

Even though our house can seem tight and cramped, I am grateful that we are all together. I’m grateful my kids enjoy spending time with their grandmother. I’m grateful that one of us will mention a project and we all jump in to do it. I’m grateful my son’s food allergies are getting better and that is highly influenced by my mother-in-law supporting his avoidance diet. I am grateful that I’m not expected to wear a super mom cape around – all the time – because I have quality help and loving support – in my multigenerational home.

What’s Next for 2012

Well, I already mentioned the book…

We will celebrate our 5th anniversary as a multigenerational family.

My mother-in-law and I will hold each other up and try not to fall apart, too much, when my youngest child (her youngest grandchild) starts kindergarten in August.

I’m sure I’ll be writing about another sex education incident – since my oldest child is taking health this semester (I told my mother-in-law to be ready!).

We will celebrate the marriage of hubby’s cousin (my mother-in-law’s niece). She was our flower girl – and now our son will be her ring bearer.

Hubby and I will celebrate our 14th wedding anniversary – which means I’ll be toasting the anniversary of my mother-in-law becoming my mother-in-law.

What next for you  - in 2012?

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Learning from my mother-in-law

Posted on December 22, 2011 by | Leave a comment

My mother-in-law has been reading a lot of poetry lately. She has been sharing her old favorites and new favorites with us.  It’s fun to watch her read her favorite parts and observe the various emotions she displays as she read the poems.

Here’s a recent re-discovery.

Wordle: DorothyParker

The Little Old Lady in Lavender Silk

by Dorothy Parker

I was seventy-seven, come August,

I shall shortly be losing my bloom;

I’ve experienced zephyr and raw gust

and (symbolical) flood and simoom.

 

When you come to this time of abatement,

To this passing from Summer to Fall,

It is manners to issue a statement

As to what you got out of it all.

 

So I’ll say, though reflection unnerves me

And pronouncements I dodge as I can,

That I think (if my memory serves me)

There was nothing more fun than a man!

 

In my youth, when the crescent was too wan

To embarrass with beams from above,

By the aid of some local Don Juan

I fell into the habit of love.

 

And I learned how to kiss and be merry-
an

Education left better unsung.

My neglect of the waters Pierian

Was a scandal, when Grandma was young.

 

Though the shabby unbalanced the splendid,

And the bitter outmeasured the sweet,

I should certainly do as I then did,

Were I given the chance to repeat.

 

For contrition is hollow and wraithful,

And regret is no part of my plan,

And I think (if my memory’s faithful)

There was nothing more fun than a man.

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Happier YOU Holiday Wheel

Posted on December 20, 2011 by | Leave a comment
  • Worried about spending time with specific relatives this holiday season?
  • Wondering when someone is going to rub you the wrong way?
  • Thinking about self-medicating (e.g. over boozing, overeating, etc.) to cope?
  • Plotting ways to skip out on the family interactions?

Don’t. 

Try the “Happier YOU Holiday Wheel”, instead.

Bypass having a negative experience when certain loved ones try to skunk your holiday groove – spin the wheel.

Turn the negative experience into something fun, rockin’, wacky, and marvelous. After all, you are only responsible for your own behavior and you cannot change the behavior of your relatives.

wooden_spoon

Spin the wheel by yourself or have a friend or loved one, who is dreading negative holiday interactions, spin the wheel with you.

If you complete all 8 tasks/activities, on spin the wheel, reward yourself!

Use the premade Holiday Wheel or create your own.

You may also want to checkout Martha Beck’s Dysfunctional Family BINGO.

Let me know how it goes.

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